


First Contact

by Colamiilk



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Bipolar Disorder (type 2), Discussion of mental illness, Established Relationship, Its actually really cute I promise, Justin pov, Living Together, Living with mental illnesses, M/M, Mentions of medication, Minor Violence, Redemption AU, They're both really stupid, This isn't as tragic as the tags make it sound, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-27 13:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19013569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colamiilk/pseuds/Colamiilk
Summary: Justin had a lot of practice hiding himself. Being one of Lord Death's weapons he had to. He had to maintain an aura of perfection, he had to look like he knew what he was doing. He had to be on top of things. Of course he did, people looked up to him and counted on him for protection.But just because he knew how to make himself seem dependable and unshakable didn't mean he was. In fact he was a little too shakable. It was embarrassing, but not a huge deal. It wasn't obvious and there was no reason he would need to disclose that fact to anyone. Because really who had to know?Giriko unfortunately.





	First Contact

**Author's Note:**

> This actually took me a few weeks, 3 drafts and 2 rewrites to make. I put so much effort and love into this and while its nowhere near perfect I'm really happy with how it came out ;v; Please make sure to read the tags for trigger warnings and *please* don't say anything mean. This was written mainly for people with this disorder and I don't want anyone seeing mean things about something they can't change :(

Justin supposed that if emotions were something tangible they’d be the sparks that came from a piece of flint being struck by steel. As just a spark they were practically nothing, far too fleeting to grasp onto and understand, but as soon as they grabbed onto something they’d bloom into fire. It would start out with smoke before flickering into a flame no bigger than a candle’s. Then, slowly and surely with the right circumstances and ideas it would turn into a roaring bonfire. 

Following this idea the flint was the mind, and the steel was life- which just made sense, of course a mind being forced to deal with life would feel emotions. So the question really lied more in what was being burnt by the emotions that came from those feelings. Justin’s best guess was ideas, concepts that told a person what was right or wrong and how they should act. Feelings never cared about appropriate conduct, so it made sense that they’d burn all that common sense away. That’s why a bonfire was the most extreme and the most intense emotions could get. It burnt away everything, it left you forgetting everything about common courtesy. There wasn’t anything more extreme then that. 

At least, there wasn’t supposed to be. But that really didn’t mean anything. Just because there wasn’t supposed to be something more extreme didn’t mean there wasn’t anything more extreme. Justin knew that far too well. He wouldn’t of even bothered thinking so much about this kind of thing if he didn’t know that. He never would’ve wasted so much of his time coming up with this if he didn’t have a purpose for thinking about it. But he did have a reason. 

Justin was almost an adult at this point, he had learned a lot, and he was sure he had a lot more to learn. At the weird middle ground he was in he only knew a few things for sure, and one of those was that he didn’t feel things the same way everyone else did. Even knowing that though he wasn’t exactly sure what parts were normal and what parts were weird. He spent so much time watching and observing people closely, learning how they acted and listening to them talk about how they felt. He was desperate to understand. He wanted to learn as much as he could about others, because there was no other way he’d be able to figure out what was different about him. The answer wasn’t as clear as one would hope. 

Feelings didn’t follow logic, patterns were almost impossible to find. Even with all the time he spent trying to figure out what was normal and what wasn’t Justin came up blank almost every time. In fact everything he had learned was weird wasn’t found out by himself, it was pointed out about him from others. And not in a kind way. All his ‘research’ if it could be called that, didn’t teach him anything but how to mime others. It left him as an unsettling copy, a reflection that stared back at everyone with a smile that was just slightly off. 

It didn’t really bother him though, he wasn’t particularly unhappy he had to restrain himself to fit in. He really didn’t mind it at all actually. The numbness that had settled over him and let him live monotonous days without ever really feeling much of anything were enjoyable to him. He liked it. But maybe he was just saying that because when fires did catch for him it never started out slow- he didn’t feel smoke or candle flames often, and he had  _ never  _ felt a bonfire. 

No… the second a spark caught in his mind he skipped right past all of that and he bursted into a forest fire. When he did feel it was raw and uncontrollable, he didn’t just lose common courtesy, he lost common sense. He became something unrecognizable. 

If someone was to ask ‘What kind of person is Justin?’ There’d be a lot of things to say- almost all of them not very nice and depending on who was asked there’d be some differing opinions. But even with all of that there wasn’t anyone who would call him impulsive. He just wasn’t. He had impulses undoubtedly, constantly even, but he never acted on them. 

Even from within the completely unbearable forest fires of emotion that burnt at his skin and boiled him from the inside out he could bite them down. He could sit through it. His pride made it possible for him to stop himself. His desire to live up to the standards expected of one of Lord Death’s scythes, the fear of disappointing him… it was more than enough to freeze him solid. More than enough to steady him in those moments. But just barely, but extremely painfully. 

And not always.

There were times… times Justin didn’t like to think about, where he  _ had  _ lost control. Where he did act on his impulses, where his hand was forced by his own crumbling mind. There were times where he had felt what could only be described as true insanity. Where tears and sweat dripped down his face and combined with drool and snot, where his ears and eyes processed everything as static. Where he had laughed so pitifully that anyone unfortunate enough to hear him would undoubtedly be haunted by that noise. Where he woke up bloody and covered in scratch marks of his own making.

Justin would never be able to live them down. He’d never be able to forget. The self imposed shame would never leave him. The years he had shaved off the end of his life with his own bad decisions would never come back. There was no erasing those moments that had so unignorably happened. And that knowledge was probably what held him so tightly together. He was so desperate to not have them happen again that the pain of holding it back was child’s play. 

Still… when those fires did light under his skin and he was left holding himself back by the skin of his teeth he wondered how much longer he could keep it up. If it would be the time he lost control. It scared him to think about what could happen. The ‘next time’ always loomed over his head. 

That’s why right now, Justin was shifting. Uncomfortable and trying to ignore the sparking feeling that was creeping over his heart. It was a bit scary feeling his face start to go numb and his skin light up with the sensations that came with one’s foot falling asleep but he knew it nothing dangerous yet. There was still a chance it would just pass and leave him blissfully blank. So he just crossed his legs and let his face rest in one of his hands, overly careful to cover lips and make sure Giriko couldn’t see him clench his teeth as he tried to ride it out. 

The enchanter had come to live with him just a few weeks ago and while it was nice to have someone else it also felt like a razor ghosting over his back, always just a breath away from drawing blood. That wasn’t to say he was worried Giriko would hurt him, he really couldn’t care less about stuff like that. No what he was worried about was this right now. He was worried about Giriko seeing him, what he was really like. 

Giriko had already seen more of him than anyone else, he had already heard Justin talk without his filters and forced niceties. Justin trusted him a lot, of course he did, otherwise he’d never of even considered letting him stay in his apartment. But still… this was something he didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t even want to know it. It was like a dirty secret and to entrust it to someone else… even if they decided they would keep it for you… it was still forcing them to live with the shame alongside you. 

Tapping his fingers against the pages of the book he had been ‘reading’ for the past hour Justin grinded his teeth together. The staticky feeling was still pricking at him. His skin was getting hot and a bead of sweat dripped down his face. His breathing was getting quicker. They were minute, tiny little changes. No one but him would notice. But these reactions weren’t what he was worried about. He was worried about what they were forewarning. Because he knew they were tell tale sign that the next spark would catch him on fire. 

He hadn’t consciously stood up, but he had closed his book loudly enough to snap himself out of whatever trance he had found himself in. Letting out a measured breath he took stock of every sensation and feeling in his body with a trained seriousness. His skin was itching, he was already starting to twitch. He had to do something right now. If he waited much longer something bad would happen. He could already feel Giriko’s eyes on him. 

Walking over to his medicine cabinet Justin swore internally at how robotically he was moving. There was no way he could’ve managed to move any other way right now but it was still embarrassing. He hated this, all of it. An anger began to bubble in his chest and tangle together into knots that made him even more annoyed. It was progressing… soon there’d be no going back. Flinging open the medicine cabinet he felt the static completely consume him and all of his body heat drain into a hot heavy lump his throat.

There weren’t any sleeping pills. There wasn’t anything for him to use unless he wanted to overdose. Scratching at his head he pulled at his hair and bit at his lip. He was panicking. He was coming to a dead end. He could feel something pulling him down, making him want to fall to his knees and scream. Closing the cabinet as gently as he could Justin stared at the plastic countertops blankly. It was taking his everything to hold himself together right now, but he knew he couldn’t keep standing here. He had to move forward, he had to do something or it’d only get worse. 

A drug store. There was one a mile or so away from here. He could go there, they’d have something. Nothing as strong as he needed but it’d be something. It’d be something. That’s what he’d do. 

Drifting over towards his keys he reached to grab them off there hook. His hand never got there though, it stopped short just centimeters away. For a second he thought he had frozen up, but then he felt the searing pain of Giriko’s hand clenching around his wrist. It hurt.  _ It hurt _ . He wanted to lash out, to scream at the other to not touch him. He wanted to burn his arm everywhere to get rid of the weird tingle Giriko’s touch was causing. Instead he smiled and faced the other with sweetly closed eyes and a tilted head.

“Do you need something?” His voice was too sweet, saccharine. Luckily Giriko seemed to take it as a taunt. Justin peered at him through slightly lidded eyes, he was trying to hide how sharp his gaze was right now. It didn’t seem to be working. Giriko past all his annoyance and anger seemed to be scared. He hated that. He hated that he couldn’t trick the other into thinking everything was fine. 

“Yeah I do.” Justin was shocked enough that for a brief second all the overwhelming feelings stopped. He blinked a bit and then they came back in fold. His brow bunched into a glare involuntarily and his nose scrunched up. He wasn’t in the mood for these games, this wasn’t the time to be pushing him at all. The sneer on his face made it obvious that that was how he felt, and the venomous words pooling on the back of his tongue would make it even clearer. Luckily or Unluckily Giriko beat him to it.

“I need to know why you were going to go out in the middle of the night like that.” For a second Justin had no idea what Giriko was even referencing, and being out of the loop even for those 3 seconds before he noticed brushed him the wrong way. Still when Giriko glanced downward Justin followed his gaze and realized he was about to head out in nothing but an old shirt and boxers. 

He was less embarrassed by that then he should’ve been. At this point he really couldn’t care about anything but stopping himself, so any mistake that could be brushed off as being ‘tired’ or ‘sick’ meant nothing to him. There’s no way people hadn’t stumbled into a drug store in pajamas before. It’d be weird, but it wouldn’t look insane, and that’s what he cared about. Still… he couldn’t use either of those excuses with Giriko, the chainsaw would know it was a lie. 

Which made this way too tricky. Way too hard for the state he was in right now. There was no way he was going to be able to make an excuse that wasn’t flimsy. It looked like his only option was going to be avoiding it. Slipping around answering with something that would be distracting enough to get Giriko off his case but not so distracting that it’d be suspicious.

“Like what Giriko?” Reaching for his keys again his smile started to look more and more pasted on when Giriko held him back. Justin felt a bit of pity knowing that Giriko had no idea how much was at stake in this silent fight. It was cute how dense Giriko was most of the time but right now it made him want to slam the enchanter into the wall. 

“Stop being obnoxious and answer me- why the hell were you going to just walk out into the night?” Giriko was shouting at this point, veins popping out of his neck with how much he was straining himself. Such a short temper… Justin wondered what it was like to be like that. To not worry about every action… The pressure welling up under his skin was starting to hurt. It wasn’t just discomfort anymore it was pain… he felt like he was going to vomit. He was running out of time, he had to cut this off right now.

“Could you be worried about me? How sweet, I’m flattered.” It was sugar sweet, said in a cooing tone that conveyed a deep sense of pride and praise. It was completely phoney and utter horseshit but Justin was good at making anything seem sincere. Even when Giriko didn’t buy it he usually still reacted the way Justin wanted- Always one to be scared of showing any kind of affection he’d undoubtedly panic and leave Justin alone with some rude comment about how much he ‘hated’ him. 

Of course it was now of all times that he broke that habit. 

“Quit dodging it brat.” A quiet ‘tch’ sounded from Justin and Giriko pulled back ever so slightly in shock. Normally he’d feel bad for his lapse in composure but right now he really didn’t care. Grabbing onto the front of Giriko’s shirt he pulled the enchanter down and met their eyes. There was something disturbing about the fact Giriko’s face wasn’t coming into picture. Even mere centimeters from him Justin could only a horrifying blur of grey. Still he wasn’t going to let his deteriorating psyche stop him, he wouldn’t let it win and fuck everything up for him. 

“Dodging what? Are you accusing me of doing the same shit you do? If so I’d recommend you give me a pass like I always give you.” There was something almost cryptic about the way he spoke. It was no more than a whisper, but the impact of his words was enough that the silence that followed them was deafening. He still couldn’t see Giriko’s face but he didn’t need to- he knew the expression hiding behind that blur. He knew there was fear, he knew how Giriko felt right now. He knew what everyone thought when they saw him like this-

_ ‘Who are you?’  _

The words echoed in his head. He had no idea if Giriko had said them or if he was just imagining it at this point. Without his eyes focusing he had to trust his subconscious reading of the other’s lips… which wasn’t exactly the most trustworthy thing right now. Straining his ears he tried to listen for any kind of mumble past his music’s soft voice. There wasn’t anything. He could still feel Giriko’s warmth under his hands though, he hadn’t left. He was still there… why wasn’t he saying anything!? 

The fire in his chest was getting brighter, he was boiling alive. He could feel each breath escape through his lips. The folds of Giriko’s shirt felt weird bunched up in his fists. He had to let go… but he was scared. He knew the second he did let go there’d be no reconnecting them. Hesitantly he loosened his grip and let his arms fall limply to his sides. Sure enough the hazy outline of Giriko disappeared entirely. He was alone again. His eyes started to burn along with his nose.

Taking a few steps back he distanced himself as best as he could from where Giriko should’ve still been. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to find his way to the drug store anymore. Had he gotten the trip down to muscle memory? He supposed that even if he had there’d be people out and he was in no place to show himself in public. But what were his other options? Raking his nails down the side of his neck he barely processed the blood that was ripped out from under his fingers. 

He  _ could  _ go to the academy, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t in bad enough shape for that to be necessary. Plus his pride made him really unwilling to go crawling there for help unless he really needed it. It wasn’t like it was tragic or painful or anything, and he knew they wouldn’t mind treating him. In fact he knew they’d prefer for him to go there and be put under then to put himself at risk like he was now. But… there was something incredibly lonely about the prick of that needle. The wash of medicine that enveloped his mind and let him rest was soothing and full of relief but it also horribly isolating. It made him feel so alone, so inhuman. 

He supposed he never really felt very human though. What human needed so much medicine just to think right?

“I said are you listening to me you goddamn priest!?” Giriko’s scream was loud enough that Justin could hear it clear as day past all the static and music. The shock made everything screech to a stop for the second time today and things cleared up just enough for him to see Giriko’s absolutely infuriated face. He could only tilt his head and awkwardly smile. What was he supposed to say in this situation? He absolutely was not listening, he had no idea the other had even been talking. 

“Of course I am.” God. He really hoped that wouldn’t screw him over. What else could he have said though? Anything else would be an admission of just how insane he was right now. Giriko didn’t seem to buy his lie though. Which honestly was expected- he knew how weak that was. Still, he would defend that as the best move he could’ve made there. 

“Then answer.” Shit. He had a feeling that was coming. Ok. If he had to guess Giriko had probably asked something along the lines of ‘ _ What’s wrong with you? _ ’ that would make sense. Or maybe it was something like ‘ _ Why are you acting all high and mighty right now? _ ’ He could do that and keep it vague enough that if it was something else it’d still seem like he was answering.

“Why would I answer a question as stupid as that?” He said it with an air of absolute confidence, it wouldn’t be convincing if he didn’t after all. Still Giriko looked unimpressed. Justin wanted to vomit. He felt like his brain had turned into liquid inside his head and if someone so much as pushed him he would crumple onto the floor and die. This was awful. All of it. He didn’t let his smile slip though, he didn’t let the mask fall. 

“I didn’t ask you a question.” Justin’s mouth twitched but other then that he showed no sign of being off-put. Not that it would matter if he did though, he had already been caught red handed. 

“Then why did you want an answer?” He was faltering. His throat was swelling up and the vision in left eye was fading again. This was dumb, why on Earth wouldn’t Giriko let it go? Justin knew he had slipped multiple times at this point, he knew he had shown that he wasn’t in his right mind more than once. What kind of dumbass kept pushing someone when they were like that? Did he want Justin to snap? He could do that.

Biting his tongue he let out a shuddering sigh when the taste of copper flooded his mouth. No he couldn’t do that. That wasn’t something he could do. But god did he want to. He wanted to punch Giriko square in the face for forcing him to do this, for stopping him from getting medicine, for making him feel this way. He was unbelievably pissed with Giriko right now, he was unbelievably pissed with  _ himself  _ right now. Everything was making him want to punch a hole through the wall. He wanted to hit something hard enough to feel the bones in his hand  _ shatter _ . 

“Do I need a reason to not want to be ignored?”  _ No but you need a reason to excuse being a complete prick.  _ The words were desperate to come out but Justin was able to stop himself. He needed to lay down face first somewhere and scream for like, a year. Maybe he could get away filling the bathroom sink with frigid water and screaming under there. He’d done that before and knew it’d muffle any sound that would dare to escape. But the other would definitely question why he was soaked. How annoying… 

“Did you hear me?” It was surprising that Giriko didn’t seem angry at all when he said it. In fact he sounded more worried than anything else. That kinda pissed Justin off. He could handle himself just fine, the only reason he wasn’t right now was because the other was getting in his way. 

“I did. No you don’t need a reason.” His words were getting tired and it was obvious he was starting to give up on the conversation entirely. He was relenting, pulling back. He didn’t care about where this went anymore, he didn’t care if he seemed weak for rolling over on it, he just wanted to rest. He wanted to find something to quell the painful mess of contracting muscles begging for relief inside him. 

“Why are you being so weird?” There it was. Justin had been expecting that question from the very beginning of all of this. It wasn't shocking or anything, but it still tasted bitter. 

“Why do you care?” Justin knew why, he knew Giriko cared about him in his own weird way. But he was desperate for anything that would disrail Giriko right now and making him admit he had feelings seemed like a good way to shut him up. Unfortunately it wasn't. Unfortunately it did the exact opposite of what Justin wanted. 

“Because I want to know if I should be running.” Justin could hear the humor in Giriko’s voice. His rational mind knew it was a joke. If this was a normal situation he would probably be annoyed but relatively unbothered. That was probably why Giriko said it- He was probably trying to relieve some of the tension that had come over them. That was not what it did. The tense spring inside him curled up even further until he heard a loud popping noise deep inside his brain.

Giriko was an asshole, Justin knew this, Justin loved him for it. He loved that the other was so crass because it let him be crass too. It gave him the opportunity to drop the shining persona he used to attempt to hide his own irregularities with and be free to finally say what he was actually thinking. There was nothing he liked more than how blunt and rude Giriko could be. 

But if there was one thing Justin had learned in his life it was that anything in excess was bad. Too many sweets would rot your teeth, too much money would make you selfish, too much of any emotion would drive you insane. Too many harsh comments and you’d snap.

Ah. So this was the next time.

The fire finally took, the sparks caught and a forest fire roared to life and burnt everything in Justin’s mind to ash. He wasn’t thinking at all as he slammed the chainsaw into the wall hard enough to knock their whole damn key rack down. All his control, all his restraint… all of it broke away. He felt like he was dying, he felt like his muscles were going to rip with all the pressure he was putting on them. 

The grunt Giriko made as he hit the wall should’ve stop him, it should’ve made him realize what he was doing. It didn’t. The person in front of him was completely unknown to him right now, he was completely unknown to himself right now. Humanity and empathy didn’t exist within him, nothing but fear and anger did. He was scared, he was so scared. He didn’t even know of what. Himself? Giriko? Whatever was coming when this inevitably ended? His voice cracked to life.

“I was the one running you complete-” The next part of that sentence wasn’t English, it wasn’t any language, it was nothing but the gross fleshy noises of a throat failing to make words. He sounded hoarse, like he had stretched his vocal cords too far and lost his voice with the very first syllable. He probably had to be honest. Clamping his mouth shut he spat to the side, getting rid of any of the words he would’ve been unable to say. They still pooled in the back of his mouth and made him drool. 

What were the words dying to come out? What was he trying to say? He found he really didn’t know. He was frozen in this weird stand off right now, unsure of where to go next. This entire situation was weird and shaky to him, even though his body was forcing him to act right now it wasn’t a hundred on what it wanted him to do yet. 

Inherently Justin wasn’t a violent person. Unless he was ordered to he wasn’t one to fight, he didn’t see a point violence without reason. And while of course at times like these things were different, he was still normally far too scared to even attempt getting close enough to someone to really hurt them. He was more self destructive and the main concern to be had when he was like this was him getting hurt because he really just… wouldn’t bother with others. 

Most episodes he would just ignore everyone and since he seemed weird they’d ignore him right back. It was fine and honestly he liked that people avoided him. It kept them out of harm’s way if he did suddenly snap and also let him focus on regulating himself. However in the rare circumstance that he was forced to interact with a person while he was like this things got tricky. 

When everything was lost in the rushes of a forest fire he really couldn’t see Giriko or whoever as a loved one or a friend- only as a pair of eyes judging him. People stopped seeming like humans with complex thoughts to him because, honestly, his mind wasn’t in a place where it could think that hard. It made everyone seem scary and hard to understand and because of that he’d usually run away from the prying stares. He’d try to somehow stop the pain through erratic actions and would often land in the academy hospital being looked at with a sense of disbelief and pity. However sometimes, like now, he’d use another method. 

This other method came about when he would realize, even his deluded state, that there was no running away. That whoever was in front of him was unmoving and would continue to harass him no matter where he went. And since he was already in a state where ‘Now’ felt like the only time that existed and would ever exist he would have to take care of it ‘Now’. At this point, to him, the only option that would be left after running away was taken from him was scaring them off. 

There were two ways to scare a person off reliably: one was violent self harming behavior such as scratching at oneself until there was more blood than skin, and the other was violent behavior towards the person threatening his space. Whichever one he picked usually had to do with how threatened he felt by the other person or how upset he was with them. 

It was a completely animalistic way to be, a way a person could only be if all there common sense had just burnt up and they were left to only rely on survival instincts. It went against everything Justin believed in and wanted to present himself as. It was horrible, It was humiliating, and even with all his effort in stopping it sometimes it still happened. But it was so rare that even now while he was at the mercy of it he was unsure of what to do. 

Giriko had at some point slid down the wall and Justin was bent over him awkwardly, holding the other man up off the ground by the collar of his shirt. Justin didn’t really remember getting here, everything past the initial horror of slamming his lover against the wall had sort of faded into the background. His vision was still extremely cloudy and he was still feeling dizzy enough that he wasn’t really sure how he was upright. He wondered if Giriko had said anything. Probably, he wasn’t one to ever really shut up, no matter what happened he’d keep talking. 

Feeling weirdly blank Justin eased himself onto the ground, ending up sitting awkwardly on Giriko’s legs. He was far too lost in thought to think of repositioning himself, and he also didn’t want to let go of the other yet. He wasn’t really angry anymore, just confused. Once Giriko had failed to run away in fear Justin was sort of at a loss. In the state he was in he was driven completely in ‘wants’. He wanted Giriko to run away but he didn’t want to hurt him. Which had left him frozen until his frustration had given him a lick of wanting to slam some sense into the other. That combined with the idea that that would scare the other off it had become the obvious choice. 

But it hadn’t worked. It hadn’t given him what he wanted and if anything just told him there was literally nothing he could do right now to get Giriko to go away. Which… wasn’t as scary and unbearable as he thought it would be. 

Giriko stared up at him with an expression far too serious and Justin was forced to remember a time much like this from long ago. When he had first learned the word for this feeling, this form of insanity. Lord Death himself had told him when he had woken up on one of the academy cots after having broken all his fingers in a fit. He had been still coming off the high of sedatives and the smell of the saline being pumped through his system was so salty for a second he thought he was by the sea. But even in that haze of drugs and the hysteria that came with waking up somewhere unfamiliar the words he heard next would forever be imprinted in his mind.

_ ‘It’s called mania, Justin. You’re bipolar.’  _

Justin didn’t need to ask much more about it after that. He got the idea. He had heard the word ‘maniac’ before. He had seen kids sneer at each other for being indecisive or moody and call each other bipolar. He knew that for the rest of his life he’d never be seen as anything more then unstable, a complete wreck of a human. It made him want to die.

He remembered the academy doctor, the good one not Stein thank god, explaining to him it was just how he was, that there wasn’t shame in it and treatment existed. He had wanted to laugh. No shame? How could there be no shame in being like this? He thought for sure he was going to be dispelled as a scythe, that he’d have nowhere to go. Who could trust someone who was now labeled as clinically insane? He wouldn’t even be able to blame them- he couldn’t trust himself.

When that didn’t happen he had been as shocked as he was right now. 

Over the past few years since Lord Death had explained that no, they were not going to drop him because of this and would in fact help treat him, Justin had learned how to be at peace with it. It became something he actually sort of liked and until recently wasn’t something he had much shame at all about. After meeting Giriko Justin had realized that the only reason he hadn’t been embarrassed by it was because the only person he cared about, that being Lord Death, knew and didn’t mind. 

But now he also cared about Giriko, who didn’t know and was most certainly  _ not  _ Lord Death. He was nowhere near as patient and understanding and that made Justin scared about it all over again. He had known that one day it was going to come out, probably as dramatically as this, and that everything would be over because there was no way the enchanter wouldn’t be freaked out. He had known that. He knew there was an expiration date on this whole thing because no one could be with someone like him. It was what he was expecting and while he was sad about it he wasn’t going to try and stop it. 

Somehow it wasn’t going down that way though. 

Giriko was still here, he hadn’t said anything too harsh or biting and he was just kind of sitting under Justin. It was weird, and while Justin was clearly not in a state where he could understand others thoughts in such a complicated context he was sure that even if he was perfectly clear headed he wouldn’t be able to guess what the other was thinking. At a complete loss Justin was forced to say exactly what he was thinking.

“You’re still here.” Giriko still looked sort of blurry, the world still felt far too scary and Justin still felt like he had a million wasps stinging his skin but none of it felt as pressing as it had. Curiosity and affection had taken root in place of the fear and anger he had felt and was finally letting him pull Giriko into focus. The other’s face wasn’t as scared as he thought it’d be, he looked more… tense. But also he looked annoyed, tired and worried all at once. Giriko was broadcasting a lot of emotions and it was hard for Justin to keep up with it right now. He wanted to though, so he tried to put all his excess energy solely into that. 

“Yeah, did you think I was going somewhere? You were the one trying to run out dumbass.” A few beats of silence passed between them, the music from Justin’s headphones was the only thing that could be heard throughout the entire apartment. Justin didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know where to start, his head was completely blank.

“Aren’t you scared?” Giriko smiled, all wide and toothy in the kinda way that Justin usually took as bad news. It didn’t feel like bad news right now though, somehow it felt like a good sign. The chainsaw started to sit up against the wall, it was clear that he was taking his time to revel in the fact that he had Justin’s full curious attention. 

“The scary part about you is how weirdly in control and analytical you are. That was probably the least scary you’ve ever been.” Justin laughed. Not one of the creepy insane ones he sometimes had, it was a warm one that bubbled out and made everything seem a little bit brighter. He didn’t understand, not one bit, but he never understood Giriko.

“How are you less scared of a person you can’t predict the movements of?” It was a fair question in Justin’s mind, in fact it was more than fair. It was a question he really wanted the answer to. So when Giriko snorted and waved the comment off with a flick of his wrist Justin found his nose wrinkle a bit in distaste. 

“I'm less scared of people who actually act human.” That… wasn’t the answer Justin was expecting. Not at all. In fact it was so far out of what he was expecting that he couldn’t even stop himself from asking the very honest, unfiltered, somewhat pathetic question-

“You call that human?” Justin knew his face was coloring the slightest bit red as he said that, as he admitted that he felt like he wasn’t acting human. Giriko surprisingly didn’t blink at the question though, he only looked tired and a bit worn out hearing it. As if he had dealt with the exact question before. Which… was weird to think about. He supposed Giriko  _ was  _ very old and had most definitely been through a lot but… he didn’t seem like the type that thought about these kinda things enough that he’d be able to answer them. The expression gave a weird insight into Giriko’s mind… one Justin really hadn’t considered before. He felt a moment of guilt before the other answered with a huff.    


“You need to talk to more people brat, that’s about as human as things get.” Things paused and Justin found himself processing those words over and over. His head sort of tilted to the side and Giriko snorted, thoroughly entertained by Justin’s inability to grasp what he had said. Justin couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed or to retort at all though, he was far too busy trying to come to terms with what he had just heard. 

Justin knew people, he talked to plenty of people within Lord Death’s elite and while he didn’t know many people out of that circle it was something. It was enough that he’d be able to tell what was normal and what wasn’t. It had to be. Although… as he now realized he really didn’t know all that much about any of them. Even the people he was relatively close to and on good terms with like Sid and Azusa he knew almost nothing about. 

Suddenly growing frustrated Justin eyebrows bunched up. That couldn’t be right. He had known them for so long he had to know more about them. Combing over everything he knew about his partners he realized that he really didn’t know much about any of them but Tesca and Stein, who honestly, were the last people he wanted to know about. He never wanted to hear about them. It was usually just forced upon him and he rather had to remember it or heard about it enough that he’d need something more than just loud music to forget it all. 

He had a distaste for both of them so even though they clearly had their own problems and most certainly acted up he never really considered that as normal. Which would be mean if it weren’t for the fact that it extended to the people he liked. He liked Giriko but he also would never in a million years consider the man normal by any extent. 

Ah… but Giriko hadn’t said normal, had he? He had said human. Until just now Justin had thought of them as synonyms, but thinking back that didn’t really work did it? Giriko wasn’t normal but he was most definitely human.  And as sickening as it was to compare himself to Stein- even someone like that was human to him. So that really meant no matter what he did he would be human… didn’t it? 

“Did you break over there?” Shooting a glare down at Giriko Justin sneered ever so slightly. He was so tempted to just say yes, he had. He wanted to ask Giriko what the hell he had thought had just happened if he didn’t think it was Justin breaking. Luckily he had gotten enough of his self control back to not submit to that urge, and instead he just sighed.

All of this was so stupid. All of this was pointless. But also it wasn’t, and he hated to admit that. This was something that was bound to happen, and so, even though he really didn’t want to, he had to deal with these repercussions and weird conversations. He probably could’ve made this easier for himself and tried to explain all of this before they were on the floor under a brand new crack in the wall and waiting for an impending flurry of noise complaints. 

But unfortunately he hadn’t. Of course he hadn’t. How was he supposed to talk about anything serious with Giriko? The idiot would never listen until they were in a situation where he literally had to. He was just as much to blame here. Well. Justin knew that wasn’t true but god did he want to believe it. He wanted any excuse to get around admitting that one word that started with a ‘B’. It was seeming impossible though. It was looking as if there was nothing else he could say but that. Unless…

“Giriko.” He said the other’s name so sharply, almost like he was calling a dog to attention. Giriko predictably didn’t react positively to Justin’s tone, and tried to say something that would undoubtedly throw them off. Justin didn’t give him a chance, he placed his hand over Giriko’s mouth and put it all on the line with his last hope. 

“I don’t want to talk about this. At all.” The absolute strength and desperation he said that with left Giriko staring at him in disbelief. His eyes sort of flicked to the side before meeting Justin’s again in confusion. There was a moment where they both were trying to process what was going on with the other, and in that moment Justin realized that Giriko hadn’t even been trying to talk about it. Fuck. 

“Ah? Are you the one telling me to drop something? You’ve never let me off like that before why should I?” He had really dug his own grave here hadn’t he? He should’ve known better then to have ever,  _ ever  _ admitted to Giriko that there was something he didn’t want to do. Looking back it was obvious that the other wouldn’t leave him alone until he did it, he loved antagonizing Justin too much to drop it after he knew the other was explicitly against it. Groaning into his hands Justin shook his head, there was only way to deal with this.

“Do  _ you  _ want to talk about it? I can tell you right now there's nothing I can say that will satisfy you, I have no answer that will make what you just saw make anymore sense or feel any better.” It was completely honest. There really wasn’t anything he could say. There wasn’t anything dramatic or satisfying underlying all of this, just genetics. It was boring and there really wasn’t much he could even explain without terms that were so grounded in medicine he had his doubts that Giriko would even know them. 

The other didn’t seem pleased with his excuse though. Whether if it was because he didn’t believe Justin or if he was just trying to be a pain the priest had no idea. He didn’t really care which was it was to be honest. 

“But of course if you want to talk about how you feel about-” Giriko made a weird panicking noise, cutting Justin off abruptly and making the priest’s mouth twitch into a satisfied smile. Yeah. He had a feeling that would work. Giriko grumbled a bit and shifted to sit more upright as he began to make some sort of an excuse for himself. 

“Ok I get it. I don’t give that much of a fuck anyway.” Justin knew that the enchanter had probably meant it as an insult but he didn’t take it that way at all. How could he? The comment felt more like an ‘I love you’ then a ‘Go fuck yourself’ both in tone and in context. It was far too easy to see. If Giriko really didn’t care about him he would’ve left the second all this bullshit started, or would’ve let Justin leave without so much of a blink. He wouldn’t of sat through all of this unless he cared, and he wouldn’t of let Justin get away with not giving the explanation they both knew he more than deserved unless he had already known that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

He wasn’t going anywhere. 

Leaning down Justin cupped Giriko’s face to kiss the other as gently as he could. It felt weird to be doing and his fingers shaked ever so slightly with fear, excitement, and tension. This was the first time he had ever initiated anything, the first time he had tried to show affection through anything other then meticulously thought out words. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment for him, but after what had just happened he was willing to risk it.

“What was that for!?” Giriko’s reaction was as violent as he had expected. Justin could barely bite back his amusement when the man sort of scrambled against the wall in a vain attempt to back away. It was cute that he was panicking over such a tiny display of affection. The other never seemed to have any problems when there was anything even slightly sexual in the air but for some reason he was so weak to anything innocent. Even in a time like this. How adorable… 

“It was a thank you.” Leaning forward into the other’s personal space again he only was a little bit sad that Giriko grabbed onto his face to push him off. There wasn’t much force at all behind Giriko’s push but Justin was worn out enough that he didn’t bother to catch himself. Instead he went tumbling to the floor, chuckling ever so slightly as he flipped onto his back to stare up at the other. 

“For what!?” There was truly a ferocious glare on Giriko’s face as he yelled that, Justin might of been scared it weren’t for how high the other’s voice had risen and how much it had cracked on those 2 measly words. Still the question off put him a bit. For what? He didn’t really know for what… just for… uh… 

“For existing.” The other’s face was red enough that he could’ve been a stop sign and Justin could only continue to laugh when Giriko tripped over his tongue trying to find the words to respond. After everything that had happened somehow he was still the one coming out on top here, how on earth did that work? Was Giriko letting him off easy? Justin had a hard time believing the other had nothing mean or scathing to throw back and easily win any argument with after what had just happened… which only made this moment sweeter. The slim possibility that Giriko wasn’t saying anything to spare his feelings made all the pain of being seen that way disappear. 

“You- Goddammit. I- Just- Shut up alright?” Justin smiled, dazzling as his lips up quirked into a sharp triangle and his eyes pinched closed. He could hear Giriko groan, thoroughly upset at the other’s pleasure. 

“Alright.” He would, he’d ‘shut up’ like the other wanted him to. He wouldn’t keep pushing his luck and egg the other on. He was happy enough with how this ended that he didn’t need to. 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! I usually steer away from publishing my writing from Justin's POV because I feel like it can get confusing really fast and can sort of seem nonsensical,, and when I try to explain it kinda becomes pretentious and I don't know even if anyone can understand what i'm trying to say... But! I decided to be brave and put this out there because gosh darn it it's cute and I know I'd be really happy to see more positive stuff being written about these kinda things! 
> 
> If you enjoyed it'd mean so so much to me if you'd let me know and if you'd like to see more of Justin POV stuff from me tell me that too ;v; thanks for reading!


End file.
